Are you not worth much more than they?

"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? ~Matthew 6:26 How true, right? God promised to take care of the birds and yet HE tells us that we are more valuble than the birds. And you know what, we are! It's been a minute since my last blog. And what an amazing minute it has been. During the past few months I can say that I am feeling amazing. God has provided and helped bring me out of such a terrible state. He has reminded me of who I am...HIS child! He has given me a new outlook on life. I am 100% certain that my family and friends have noticed a change in me. My husband and my kids are loving having their wife and mom back. And I am most certainly enjoying being back. Before I got help I could make myself mellow out at the drop of a dime...and now...well, now, I'm back to having issues controlling my laughter. I'm having fun again for the first time in a long time. I'm enjoying what all the Lord has blessed me with. I used to dwell on all the "things" I didn't have but now I don't even look in that direction. I don't want "things!" I have what the Lord has given to me, all of which I do not deserve. I said in my last blog that depression is real and it really is. Depression doesn't just effect you, it effects everyone around you. For months that turned into years I had a mask on my face. I hid behind my problems. I blamed others for my faults and I wasn't willing to accept that I had a serious problem. My husband walked on egg shells all the time, which in return effected the things in his life. My friends had to be careful what to say to me because it might cause me to become upset. It takes a lot to admit that you need help but needing help doesn't mean you're a bad person. We pray and ask God to protect us, to help us, to lead us, to guide us, to give us discernment...well...asking God for those things do not make you a bad person either. Life is such a precious gift, do not waste it wondering "what if." Do not allow something to consume you of being who God created you to be. If you do, Satan wins. No matter what the situation may be. I ask that you continue to pray for me and my family. I had a follow up appointment with my doctor last month. She was very pleased with how the medicine was working and did inform me that I may have to up my dosage if I notice changes in my mood. So far, everything has been wonderful and my prayer is that it stays the same or I'm able to one day come off the meds. As of right now, I'm not in any hurry to change anything. They also ran blood work that day and my liver enzymes were elevated. I'm supposed to go this month for more blood work. The doctor wasn't too concerned because everything else was perfect and my enzymes were only slightly elevated. We are hoping that it was due to taking Tylenol for a cold. I know I've said it before but I will never stop saying it...God is so good! He has more grace than I could ever imagine. My prayer for all my friends is that you know how special your life is and how important you are. I have been blessed with some amazing people in my life and I'm eternally grateful for each and everyone one of them.

Grace Part V

On my way home from a friends house, I called Joe. It felt like we argued all the time. I would ALWAYS find something wrong. I could point out his flaws in the drop of a dime. I blamed him and accused him of some of the most hurtful things. Tonight's phone call was another argument. It was the argument that forever changed my life! Without going into too much detail, this argument might have been the pettiest argument in the history of arguments. It was also serious. The "D" word was tossed out but it was by me. My amazing husband threatened to stalk me for eternity. I told him I was going to my cousins house to clear my head. I wasn't thinking of anything or anyone. Not even myself.

Joe demanded that I come home. As I sat in a Wal-Mart parking lot, crying, lost and all alone I kept saying NO! I told him I was done with everything. I was tired of putting on a mask trying to pretend that I was happy. I couldn't tell him why I was unhappy, but I was extremely unhappy. It wasn't him. He was everything I ever wanted.

When I told him that I wanted to leave it was because I felt like he deserved better. And he did, but our vows were for better or worse and he constantly reminded me of that.

I cannot tell you why, but I started my car and drove home. I don't think I was the one steering the wheel that night. I truly believe it was Jesus Himself!

When I got home, Joe grabbed me and hugged me. I jerked away screaming and crying. I looked over at our stove where we keep our steak knives and grabbed a knife. I was ready to die. I WANTED to die! I wanted him to be happy and I kept thinking that he would be happier without me. The world would have been happier without me. I was causing pain everywhere I went. I was exhausted trying to pretend all the time.

After taking the knife away from me, Joe and I dropped to our knees and he began praying. He prayed without ceasing over and over again. My eyes were closed but I cannot honestly say I heard what he was praying.

We laid in bed that night and he held me in his arms and together we cried and we cried. I told him I felt lost and alone and all the other emotions. I told him that I knew God was there but I just couldn't feel Him. I needed to feel Him. I told Joe that I knew Satan had a grip on me and my life but I felt trapped.

The next day I called a couple of friends. One yelled at me, told me I was being stupid. She told me that she loved me and that I needed to see it. She and her husband told me that they were praying. I knew they were and what an instant comfort knowing I had a friend that was sweet enough to tell me what I needed to hear and not what I wanted to hear. Another friend comforted me. She too had struggeled with some of my feelings and told me what to do and who to call.

I made an appointment with a Christian female doctor and I told her everything. From my petty arguments with my husband to some of my past. I told her that I knew God was there but I just couldn't feel His presence. She comforted me and she diagnosed me. She said that I was going through a lack of hormone called progesterone. One of the side effects of lack of hormones is depression. She gave me an antidepressant called citalapram and I've been currently on it for almost three months.

I can say, I'm feeling like myself for the first time in a couple of years. I'm back to being the old Shellie. The one that didn't have to make myself be happy, I just wake up this way. The one that knows I am am loved and wanted. The one that feels the Lord's presence with me everywhere I go. My relationships have become so much greater than what they once were and life is wonderful. It's not perfect but it's just great.

I used to think that depression what a mind set. If you could tell yourself you were depressed then you were and if you could tell yourself that you aren't, then you're not. However, that is not the case. Depression is real! I know! I've been there and I guess one could say I still am. I will eventually get off my medicine and there's a part of me that is scared but I know with the help and love of my family and friends and the amazing Grace of my God, everything will be ok.

My husband is the greatest man I know. Having to put up with a crazy woman for so long and never giving up on me, even when I was ready to give up on myself. He deserves the best. I'm not always certain that I'm the best (I do still think he deserves even better) but he's stuck with me and I will strive to be everything He deserves. I want to be all that I can be to everyone around me. A better mother to my children, a better child to my parents, a better friend to my friends and most of all, a better follower of my Lord.

Grace...God's riches at Christ's expense. God sent His Son to die for ME!!! I surely want to live for HIM!

Grace Part IV

So August came and so did Maggie Grace. A perfect little girl that would complete our family. I decided that since I was unable to nurse the boys I would try nursing Maggie. That caused a lot of discomfort and tears.

I began feeling different. I was easily hurt. I had real fears of rejection and abandonment. My self esteem was basically non existent. I realized what was going on and just started focusing on the good things. A family of 5 that, according to doctors should have never been.

Life continued as normal but life with me was becoming more and more stressful. Maggie was already one and learning new things. I was excited but not the way I should have been. Not like I was with the boys. I was also experiencing something very new to me...jealousy.

I made an appointment with my doctor for a sick visit and while there I began telling him of my emotions. He gave me a test and it came back that I was on the verge of being severly depressed. I scored a 69 and 70 was the severely depressed stage. He gave me an antidepressent called Welbutrin. I came home in tears and told Joe. I prayed and decided I wasn't going to take the meds. Instead I would work on losing weight and getting healthy. For the next year I lost nearly 50 pounds. I was quite excited going shopping and fitting back into a size 2! It reminded me of my high school days of being super skinny and I was loving it. But I didn't feel like a 2. When I looked in the mirror I still saw this overweight girl that was ugly, unliked, unwanted, unloved, uninteresting, un everything.

We celebrated Maggie's 2nd birthday. I had reached the point of not caring. I never wanted to do anything. I wanted to stay at home, in my PJ's, in bed and not do anything! I dreaded everything. I would pick up my kids from school and would instantly get in a horrible mood. Joe would come home from work and I would instantly get in my mood.

To be perfectly honest with you, my marriage was struggling because something was going on with ME! I began giving those I loved the cold shoulder, I pushed people away. I had a friend tell me that she thought I was different and I shrugged her off, thinking it was just an excuse so she could leave me. After all, I was unwanted.

Grace Part III

Shortly after Joe and I married I began having serious stomach pains. I went to a doctor and she told me that I would never be able to have a child. Of course, as someone who eventually would want children, I opted for a second opinion. To my surprise, the second doctor said the same thing. But that wasn't good enough. I got a third opinion and this time the doctor said there was a possibility but not to wait.

We didn't. After being diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian syndrome (PCOS) Joe and I conceived our twin boys. It was a hard pregnancy and even harder labor and delivery but I've already blogged about that.

We had decided that after the twins we didn't want more but after several years the Lord began laying another child on my heart.

This is where my story for the blog finally begins...

I was a very happy person. I've always been happy. Even with all the trials and tribulations that happened in my life. I knew that God had a purpose for all of it. God was always in control. He gave me a dad that loved me, He gave me a mom that always did her best to provide for me and to show me the kind of woman I wanted to be, He gave me a husband that would do anything for me and He gave me children when people said it would never happened.

My friends used to say that I would be a Kindergarten teacher or an aerobic instructor because of my excessive amount of energy I had beginning in the mornings and not ending until bedtime. I was named Most Spirited my Senior year of high school. I was happy.

Then Christmas time of 2008, we got to celebrate life once again as we told our parents were were expecting another baby.

Grace Part II

Midway through my sixth grade year I received a phone call from Junior. Very rarely did he exercise his visitation rights and the phone calls were the same. Obeying the courts orders to provide child support were out of the question since he would jump from job to job. Spending time in jail because of not paying child support didn't matter because, well as he said "he had a place to sleep, hot meals, tv, new friends and didn't have to work." Junior explained to me that he never wanted me. He told my mom to abort me and she didn't. He said that I was nothing more than a mistake that should have never happened. Let me remind you, in sixth grade I was ELEVEN years old!!! He said that if he ever saw my mom and I on the road he would try to run us off. Crying hysterically, my dad (remember, Brad?)took the phone, walked outside our house and well...I'm not sure what all was said. All I know is that when my dad came back inside our house he gave me a huge hug and asked if I would officially like for him to be my dad.

The summer between sixth and seventh grade my name changed legally to Shellie Pittman. My birth certificate now read that Brad Pittman was my Father...yay!

From that point forward it all seemed to go by so fast. I was a typical teenager doing typical teenage things. I was a good girl. I never got in trouble. I was always afraid to. I had boyfriends but of course my dad never liked a single one.

Before I knew it I was entering my senior year. I was working at Chick-fil-A and had just started dating Joe. It was my last year of school, my last year of cheerleading and the first year to the rest of my life. Christmas of 1999, still in my senior year of high school, Joe proposed to me. My first boyfriend that my dad actually liked. Preparations for a wedding quickly began as well as preparations for graduation. Can you say busy?

I graduated in May of 2000 and on November 18, 2000 I was having my first kiss as Mrs. Joe Wilburn. It wouldn't be long and there would be more excitement to come.

Grace Part I:

Let me start out by saying that this blog will be long, which is why I've given it parts. It will also contain some very personal and very real emotions and feelings that I've had over the past few years. What I am writing isn't for a pity party, it isn't a story that has been created for enjoyment but it is about my struggles that I personally have had.

I've thought long and hard about what to name this entry. I constantly kept going back to GRACE. I love the acronym for GRACE...God's Riches At Christ's Expense. That's exactly what my journey has been full of. Without Grace I would be condemend to hell.

Let me tell you a little about my past...

I have an amazing mom!!! She did everything for me as a child. Even if that did include working three jobs at once. She put me in beauty pagents, bought me whatever she could and never once did I realize how poor we really were. My father (and I use that term loosly) worked but mom and I never saw the money he would bring in. We lived in a tiny duplex. While my mom was busting her tail working, my father was also working and I would stay with my Nanny (Grandmother.)

Instead of referring to him as my father, lets call him Junior. I don't feel he deserves to be called my father. Junior worked as a security guard for a Ryan's Steakhouse on the North side of town. When his shift ended he was able to bring home leftovers, which he did. They were in a white styrofoam box and he would put his initials on the box with the words, "DO NOT EAT!" My mom and I were left to eat whatever we could afford, which usually consisted of bread and water. On good days, we would get peanut butter and jelly. I remember countless times eating spaghetti noodles with ketchup. Junior would sleep all the time and when he wasn't sleeping he would trash the house that my mom had just worked hours cleaning.

When I was around 5 years old I had to stay with baby sitters if my Nanny was sick. It was then that the sexual molestation began. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. I was told that I was in trouble and if I told anyone that I would get in even more trouble. As a child terrified, I never told and it continued until I was nine years old.

If that wasn't enough, when I would come home from the sitters house I would have to listen to my mom and Junior argue. Sometimes it was over me but most of the time it was over his many affairs. I remember one time walking by their room and seeing Junior with a gun pointing it at my mom.

Mom and Junior eventually divorced and mom remarried my Dad...not stepdad because that's just not sufficient enough for him. His name is Brad and he's amazing! He's my dad through and through! Life wasn't easy but I guess after a divorce it wouldn't be. We moved to a small two bedroom/1 bathroom apartment. We used boxes covered in sheets for end tables. Mom brought my bedroom stuff for me and she and my dad slept on a matress with blankets. It didn't matter what we had, for the first time in my life (at the age of 8 or 9) I had a real loving family and a dad that allowed us to eat and gave me hugs! Of course at first I despised him. I was being fed many lies about him but once I realized that all the words that were told to me were just lies, everything changed.

We moved in with my new Grandparents when I was in the third grade. I began getting very sick and the doctors could not figure out what was wrong with me. I was constantly throwing up and just very weak. My mom came into my room crying and asked me what happened while at the sitters house. When I refused to talk she questioned me and knew the whole story. She told me that it wasn't my fault and that I should never be afraid to tell anyone. A little counseling and things finally settled down. My sickness went away and all was well.

Life was becoming amazing. We moved into our own place and had real furniture. School as a child was fun. I met my very best friend and still to this day we stay in contact, Jessica. She and I were always joined at the hip and I have memories with her that I will forever cherish. School was passing by. Then it was time for sixth grade. I began the school year as Shellie Turner. That is, until a phone call changed it all...

Such an exciting time!!!

After struggling with infertility and having extremely difficult pregnancies Joe and I prayed and felt that it would be best for us not to have anymore children of our own. Now that doesn't mean that one day we wouldn't adopt if that was what we felt God wanted us to do but for now, we're done! HOWEVER, I'm so excited! It seems as if everyone around us is either pregnant or adopting. I LOVE IT! What a blessing it is for so many! What a blessing it is for me personally!

Just the other night a sweet friend informed me that they had a daughter (she's adopting!) It's just so exciting to see how God's putting children in people's lives. Earlier that same day, another one of my sweet friends had me confirm her pregnancy test. She and I have so many similiararties with infertilty. We both thought that we would never be able to conceive a child on our own. However, God showed just how incredible His love is and how He is the ultimate physician and when He wants us to have a child, He will allow it to happen. Even when we are uncertain on just about everything.

God's love is so amazing. We don't deserve any of the blessings that He gives to us each day. We deserve death and yet He gives us everything, including life eternally. I serve an awesome God. I'm so excited for my friends! I'm looking forward to going to some baby showers and some welcome home showers soon.

Time slips away

I have constantly wondered if anyone even reads my blog and then I had people ask why I haven't updated it in a while. So this is for them.

Life has been busy. Ethan just earned his purple belt in Karate. Bryce had a piano recital and played "Amazing Grace." We are so proud of both of our boys. School is getting ready to start and they are going into the second grade. I cannot believe my little preemies are growing so fast. They're so different. It's like night and day different. Ethan is ALL BOY! He loves cars, trucks, sports, Bakugan, etc. He loves to fight and try new things. Bryce is more of my intellictual one. He loves books and music. I guess you could say he is more artistic. He loves to draw. He wants to learn how to play the guitar to go along with his piano skills. They were just Baptized on July 10 by our Children's Minister, Pastor Jason. They were given new Bibles to read and study.

Maggie is growing like a weed. She's quite the sassy one. She is a daddy's girl through and through. She will be two next month. She loves Elmo. She is starting to put words together to make sentences. She loves going to her grandparents house and really LOVES being outside. She loves to have her nails and toenails painted and knows that if she leaves the house she has to have a bow in her hair. I love it.

Joe and I are doing great. We were able to go to Italy just a few months ago. We went on a marriage cruise or maybe I should say sailing adventure. It was really awesome. I loved having time to ourselves to enjoy the beauty of Italy and the beauty of marriage. God has blessed us so much more than we deserve. His Grace is enough and yet He still gives us so much more than we could ever imagine. I love my husband very much. I'm so thankful to be married to a man that loves the Lord with all his heart. I know that I can follow him because he follows the Lord.

My friend Shanna and I have recently started a little business. It's called Faithful Stitches. We make all kinds of cute stuff. Bags, bows, appliqued shirts, monogrammed shirts. We do embroidery and even have stuff for the animals. We currently do not have a website but we have a facebook page. I love it. I love being able to work with such a sweet friend as well. She's not only talented but she also has a love for the Lord that is amazing. I'm loving learning how to do new things.

Non stop for 3 days

Ok, I'm guilty. I'm the mom that gets a thrill out of planning my kids birthday. Well earlier this year the boys agreed on having their birthday party at the Karate studio where Ethan takes lessons. It was going to be so cool. They were going to give all the kids a lesson, their own karate uniform, nunchucks and would cut the cake with a real samarai sword (I mean, who wouldn't want that?) Well Bryce decided at the last minute that he didn't want his party there since he didn't take karate lessons. They could never agree on a place (the only downfall of having twins or more than one child) so we had a family day. Joe and I took them to the mall to Build a Bear workshop. We did a little bit of shopping and left. They had a great time picking out their stuffed animals, bathing them, dressing them and of course, loving on them. They filled their bellies on cookies from none other...The Great American Cookie Co. (hehe) and sodas (gotta love Grandparents (: )

We came home long enough to call the other set of Grandparents and made our way to Chuck E. Cheese for pizza and games. We told the hostess it was their birthday and they made a special announcement and then treated us and my children like we were first priority. They really went above and beyond for a family night of celebrating. They gave my kids free tokens, a hat, candy, and several of the "prizes." They boys said it was their best birthday...yet of course.

Then came Christmas Eve. We went to church for Christmas Eve service. Then afterwards our friends invited us over to their house for dinner. We read the Christmas story to the kids and let them find little people that were set up like the manger scene. We sang a couple of Christmas carols and then enjoyed some magic. The kids opened presents (while Joe and I hid a few under our friends tree for them to enjoy Christmas day) and we made it home just in time to get out the cookies for Santa and pour a nice glass of milk. Bryce left his Bible so Santa could read it before he left.

Christmas morning we woke up and did our traditional singing of Happy Birthday to Jesus. We all came downstairs. This year Santa brought each child 3 presents. Just like Jesus. I was very proud of my boys when they were asked who else got 3 gifts and they correctly answered and even answered with what the 3 gifts were. They boys had a blast playing with their new laptops and Maggie with her new stroller. Each Christmas is so wonderful and precious. One day Joe and I will wake up and there will be no pitter patter of little feet or stinky breath telling us to wake up that Santa has come.

After we opened our presents, Joe's parents came over and we opened more presents. Then Joe and I went to my parents where we enjoyed lunch and played a stealing Santa game. My parents came over a little later to open presents. My boys are seeing more and more how much fun it is to give than to receive. Now don't get me wrong, they love getting gifts but they are truly understanding that Christmas isn't about the laptops, or stockings but rather about the very first gift that was ever wrapped, baby Jesus.

Christmas Memories

I love Christmas time. I love everything about it. I especially love making memories. I have three favorite Christmas memories. My first favorite Christmas memory was when I was around 7 years old. My mom came to me and said that Santa Claus might not make it to our house that year. (I loved being a child. I never knew that we were poor.) Momma explained to me that I had been a really good girl that year but that Santa wanted me to give my gifts to other kids that didn't have any toys. Truth was, she didn't have the money to buy anything. She was already working 2 jobs to pay the bills. She told me the story of Jesus and how he was born in a manger. Not a heated room. That he slept with the animals on hay in a tiny bed. I thought Jesus had it made. I mean, I was a tomboy and to sleep outside with the animals sounded awesome to me. However, I understood her point. I learned that Christmas that it wasn't about receiving gifts but giving them. Just like Jesus did for us. Well, we didn't have a tree and definitely couldn't afford to buy one so we found green paper and we cut out our very own paper tree that we hung on the living room wall. We popped popcorn and used a needle and thread to sew them together. We used construction paper to make rings that made our garland. We had the prettiest tree ever that year. My mom and I made it together. I went to bed. When I woke up the next morning I walked into our living room and saw a huge Christmas tree decorated with real ornaments and lights that lit up the room. Underneath the tree were boxes that were wrapped and addressed to me from Santa. And in the tree was an envelope addressed to my mom. My mom's best friend provided Christmas that year for my mom and I. She did it out of the kindness of her heart. No expectations in return, just because. That Christmas I learned about the miracle of Jesus and that Christmas wasn't about getting gifts but rather understanding the sacrifice of the gift that was given to us. However, I did enjoy playing my new Nintendo all day long that day.

The second of 3 favorite memories was Christmas 1999. Joe and I were a couple and had been dating for a few months. Of course, we had known each other for quite sometime. Joe came over to our house that morning and asked me if I could help him carry gifts inside. As I went outside he asked me to sit down. So I sat down in the driver seat of his little car. He got down on one knee and said this "this driveway was the first place I ever told you that I loved you. I do love you. Will you be my wife and marry me?" My mom and dad were looking out the living room window watching it all. I of course accepted with pure joy. We went to my grandparents house afterwards and I loved showing off my beautiful engagement ring.

My most favorite Christmas memory was in 2003! I've shared my testimony before so I will not go into detail but that was the first day that Joe and I got to hold our little boys for the first time. That was our first Christmas as parents. We celebrated in the hospital but it was such a blessing. It's hard to believe that was 7 years ago almost.

I love Christmas. I love memories. I am looking forward to making many more.

Halloween, Anniversary, Thanksgiving and more...

So, it's been a minute. I'm terrible at keeping up with my blog. I have a friend that blogs almost everyday. She's so good at it. I always wonder what the point is and wonder if anyone even reads them. So, I will take my chance and update you on what's been going on.

Halloween: Quite possibly my least favorite holiday. I just don't get it. I never cared for dressing up and going from house to house to get candy from strangers. I mean, we teach our kids not to take candy from strangers. All the same, I refuse to be the fuddy duddy mom. We did the usual pumpkin carvings. The boys picked out their pumpkins and even a carving kit. When we got home I asked them which kit they wanted to use and they both said that they wanted a Christian pumpkin. They wanted thier pumpkins to represent them and who they are. So, with the help from a note their teacher sent home we carved our pumpkins into Christian pumpkins. This is the little poem we used to carve our pumpkins: Dear God,
As I carve my pumpkin help me say this prayer:

Open my mind so I can learn about You;
(Cut the top of the pumpkin)

Take away all my sin and forgive me for the wrong things I do.
(Clean out the inside)

Open my eyes so Your love I will see;
(Cut the eyes out in heart shapes)

I'm so sorry for turning up my nose to all you've given me.
(Cut a nose in the shape of a cross)

Open my ears so your word I will hear.
(Cut the ears shaped like the Bible)-we did rectangles

Open my mouth so I can tell others You're near
(cut the mouth in the shape of a fish)

Let Your light shine in all I say and do! Amen.
(Place a candle inside and light it)

I could not have been more proud of my sweet boys for putting a Biblical spin on a holiday based from paganism. This year Ethan dressed as a Knight, Bryce dressed as a fireman and Maggie was a flower. They were adorable.

Anniversary: This year Joe and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. I cannot believe 10 years have come so quickly. And what an amazing ten years it has been. Joe and I married just a few months after I graduated from highschool so my wedding dress was very small. So to make a long story short, after 2 pregnancies and working my booty off getting weight off, I was able to fit into my dress. I was only able to get it zipped half way but to be tactful, it wasn't because of my weight.

Joe and I were able to celebrate our anniversary with another couple that we've become pretty close with. Their anniversary is November 30th so they were able to celebrate at the same time. For our anniversary, we were given a weekend to the mountains. We stayed at a gorgeous cabin. We were told once we got to the top of the driveway NOT to stop and to punch it. WELL...it was cold and damp. I was driving. We were going up and up and up this hill and we reached the top when we got stuck! Tires were spinning and gravel was flying. I was so nervous. Our friend Shanna gets car sick very easily so she got out to prevent that from happening and her husband Jason got out to help me figure out the best way to go. My car ended up at the bottom of the hill with the help of Joe guiding Jason down the weavy entrance. We definitly got our workouts in walking up and down the hill. It made for some pretty good comic relief. We pretty much stayed at the cabin the whole time. We bought groceries and played games. It was nice to get away and relax with friends.

Thanksgiving: Quite possibly my favorite holiday. I love getting together as a big family. Joe's family is HUGE. I will never forget the first time I joined the Wilburn clan for Thanksgiving. He has so many aunts and uncles and then you add cousins/2nd cousins/3rd cousins, etc. It's ridiculous how big his family is. Usually Joe will deep fry a cajun turkey but this year I baked a cajun turkey. It was really good and looked good too. I was pretty proud of myself. I'm not exactly Betty Crocker but I try. I was really hoping to be in a new home this year but I know that God's got it out there and He's just waiting for the perfect time to give it to us.

So, now we're approaching Christmas. I hope that each of you have a wonderful Christmas and I hope that you all remember why we celebrate it. Merry Christmas to all of you!

House update

Well after 3 offers on the house that Joe and I both thought to be our future home, they finally came back to inform us that someone else had outbid us. The house that I already had decorated and could see Thanksgiving at was going to another family. I wished I could say that I was ok with it because this is ultimately what we had been praying for (God to slam doors) but I wasn't. I was truly bummed. My hopes were up and I had convinced myself that this was our future home. I saw our kids playing in the backyard and in the basement as teenagers. Now, I can finally say that I am at peace and I KNOW that God has a plan for us. We're still on the house hunt so if any of you know of a house (preferably in Jonesboro and in the Walt Stephens Rd./Jodeco Rd. area) let us know.

Prayer Requests

There is so much power through prayer. Someone once told me to pray outloud. Satan cannot hear us unless we literally speak outloud (just goes to show you how much more powerful our God is.) When we pray outloud Satan gets to hear our conversation with God which makes him weak. I loved that.

A few weeks ago I posted about my asthma acting up. Let me first say that I am not a hypochondriac. I LOVE being healthy and I DO NOT want to have medical problems but I will not lie, having the Factor V Leiden (blood clotting condition) scares the mess out of me. Maybe it's because I've had a clot and understand the severeity that they can cause. Now that you get my picture, I was afraid that it wasn't my asthma acting up and maybe it was a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lungs.) So I googled (big mistake) to see what the symptoms of a PE were.

Go figure, the symptoms were exactly what I had. Here I am at 1:00AM, crying because I was scared (I had a moment of weakness, sorry! Hehe!) that I had a clot in my lungs. I woke Joe up and told him, which he responds with, "have you given it to God?"

Nope. I hadn't. So, we prayed together outloud and went to sleep. Joe did offer to take me to the ER but we both knew it wasn't necessary.

The next morning I made an appointment with my hematologist and to make a long story short...NO CLOT! They did find some scar tissue on my right lung which the doctor suggested it could have been from a prior clot or it could have always been there. It's actually quite common for people to have scar tissue without any knowledge or any reason as to why. But what they did find was nodules on my thyroid.

They did blood work to check my thyroid when I was diagnosed as being depressed and all was fine.

So, I am asking for a couple of prayer requests. One being for me personally. I always need prayer, but specifically about my thyroid and whatever these nodules may be. I am going for an ultrasound this Thursday and then I will follow up with my PCP. This could be what is causing some of the tightness in my chest. Especially if the nodules are pressing down on my wind pipe.

The other prayer requests I have is for my family. We have officially outgrown our house. We recently made an offer on a foreclosed home. After a week of waiting, they gave us a counter offer. They didn't budge on the asking price but did agree to all of our other requests. We made another counter offer and are once again waiting for the banks response. We are just asking that if this is not the house that God wants for our family that he will slam the doors shut leaving us without any doubt but that if this is His will for us that this be a smooth process.

Empty space

This past January I had a doctor tell me something that I would have never imagined hearing and I've heard a good bit. After listening to me, making me take several blood tests and other tests he diagnosed me as borderline severely depressed. Apparantly there are 3 stages, mild, moderate and severe. Each stage is through a certain number. For example high moderate depression ends at 69 where severe depression begins at 70. I was that 69! I was one of those people that thought depression was all in your mind but it's not. I was a miserable person. I can remember crying to Joe and telling him that I didn't know who I was anymore. I even remember the moment that I wanted to die. I was that unhappy. I didn't have a reason. I have always been the person that never believed in suicide or wanting to die before your time. It's so hard to describe but I never believed I would have a doctor, one of which is a Christian man that doesn't believe in treating depression with medicine but with prayer, looked at me and said he was going to prescribe me a pill to help me "overcome" MY depression. Still the hardest thing to do was to come home and tell my husband what just took place.

I sat on our bed and as he held me in his arms I cried and I cried. I didn't want to get the prescription filled but did so anyway because I was scared of things getting worse. I made the "executive" decision that I was going to try something else. Joe and I prayed together for God's strength and comfort during the next few months and also for the will for me to lose weight.

So, we didn't have the "extra" money for me to spend going to weekly Weight Watcher meetings and I had pretty good success with WW and with also doing the South Beach diet so I came up with my own plan. I ate somewhat what I "wanted" and a little extra things here and there but I ate until I was comfortable and tried to never get "full." Then at the annual CFA seminar I signed up for personal attention from a nutritionist and a personal trainer. They put me on a new plan that included a workout routine and meal plan. Before I was focusing on weight loss and now I have learned to focus on staying fit and healthy. Which I need to be doing anyways. Because of my blood clotting condition I have to keep weight off so I don't have an extra percentage of developing a blood clot.

Well with the cold weather quickly approaching I literally got to go through my closet and completely clean it out. Leaving me with NOTHING to wear. I refuse to keep those clothes because I refuse to ever be the size I was again. So, Joe took me for a mini shopping spree. I am so excited to be my new size. I am a size away from being the same size I was right before Joe and I got married. I would love nothing more than to put on my wedding dress for our 10th anniversary in a little over a month.

Mi familia

When we went on our trip to the Dominican we promised each other that we would get together every so often to play games. We played cards each night in the DR. We would play garthapotamus, Bull and spoons.

This past Friday we got together for our "familia night." We call it that most in part because at the camp in the DR, the children would constantly ask if the younger girls were our children. Ours meaning mine and Joe's and the other married couple, Jason and Shanna. So, since we were the "adults" of the trip, they became our daughters! Shanna adopted Claire. Claire is 16. Joe and I adopted Raegan who is 22. Yes, that would have meant that I had a baby at 6! Joe and Shanna became brother and sister (which I will discuss in a minute). Anyways, silly or not, we call it that and we enjoy it.

Well we played the games we played in the DR and we played a little Nert's (which Shanna and I KILLED the men at!) We had such a good time. We love being with our "children" and spending time with each other.

So, like I said. Joe and Shanna are brother and sister. Seriously, this could so be true! I don't think I have EVER seen so much in common between a female friend and my husband. They talk sports (especially baseball. Shanna is a pro at softball) and even some of the things they do is so in sync. We have truly enjoyed getting to know Jason and Shanna. They actually have twins as well. In fact, they are backwards compared to us. They have an almost 6 year old little girl and 1 year old twin boys. I love seeing them all together. It reminds me so much of my family and it reminds me of the boys younger days.

The DR has forever changed us and I'm so thankful it did!

They'll say anything and give you anything

So a few days ago I blogged about my experience and purposefully left out the name of the hospital. Most in part because I'm sure there are some good doctors there and because I have a few friends that work as nurses there. They do not work in the ER but still, out of respect I didn't say anything. Well...yesterday I went back to the doctor. This time, to McIntosh Trail Family Practice which is my primary care practice. I told the doctor about my experience in the ER and he shook his head. You know the kind of head shake, the one where he is in disbelief. Well, anyways. To make a long story short the ER said I was having an anxiety attack sent me home with nerve pills and vicodin for chest pain. This doctor said that you could clearly hear that I am struggling to bring in oxygen. All though my oxygen level is in the normal range my lungs and surrounding muscles are working twice as hard to make it that way and had the ER doctor listened to my lungs he would have noticed this right away. So, to make a long story short, I was having an asthma attack and wouldn't be in as much pain as I am now if the ER doctor would have paid a little more attention.

This isn't the first time our family has had a misdiagnosis with Southern Regional Medical Center! The first time was in 2005 where because of the doctors misdiagnosis, Ethan could have lost his little life. Ethan had a severe case of the roto virus and the ER doctor at Southern Regional said he had a urinary tract infection. He gave Ethan a double dose of antibiotics and sent him home with the same meds. Ethan was so dehydrated he couldn't even keep his head up and they didn't do anything about it. Instead, the antibiotic they gave to my son caused him to have diarrhea which made him more dehydrated. We ended up having a 3 night stay at Egleston. They doctors told us if we had waited just a couple more hours, Ethan might not have made it. When I called to complain I had to wait a month to hear something back from SRMC. The doctor was terminated but they would not refund me our co-pay. They did, however, tell me that I had a case to sue the doctor for negligence.

After these experiences, I'm really wondering where they get their doctors from. One would think they would have doctors in the ER that actually cared. So, needless to say, I would not ever recommend anyone to go to Southern Regional's ER. Next time, I'll take the advise of my friends and go to Fayette.

On cue

Right before Maggie's first birthday I was getting ready to give her a bath. Just playing around I sat her on the toilet and said "go poo poo!" Little to my surprise, she began grunting. I called Joe up to see and she did it again. I then called my mother in law up to see and she did it again. On cue every time I said "go poo poo!"

I did it for a few nights. I personally think she's a little too young to be potty trained. As much as I would like for her to be out of diapers, she is our last child and I want to cherish every "baby" moment with her.

Well this past Sunday after church we were eating at a Mexican restaurant. Maggie decided it was the perfect time to go "poo poo" which she did for about 5 minutes. Thinking she was finally finished I took her to the bathroom to change her. We realized that we were on our last diaper.

When I took off her diaper she had VERY little there and I knew she wasn't finished. We were not going home immediately after lunch so she had to finish. I didn't want to put a soiled diaper back on my daughter so...I put her on the toilet. And yes, I did use a seat cover for her :). I tell her the magic words "go poo poo" and she did! When she was finished she shook her head no. I was so excited and couldn't wait to tell someone. Thankfully we saw some church friends eating at the same place and we were able to tell them.

Like I've said, we've just been playing around with the whole potty thing so we went a few more days until yesterday. Maggie was eating lunch (there must be something about lunchtime) and she began the process. I asked her if she wanted to go to the potty and she got excited. She held her little arms up for me to pick her up. So off to the bathroom we go. I say the magic words and again...she goes! Once she was finished she shook her head no.

I think once she finally decides to walk I am really going to focus on potty training her. She knows what she's doing she just doesn't know how to express it.

What a night

A little over 12 years ago I was diagnosed with asthma. It usually acts up when I'm exerting myself too much or because of the different seasons. Before yesterday I've only had 2 severe attacks. Once going into my junior year of high school and the other a few months ago where I ended up at Henry Medicals urgent care center. My oxygen level was in the low 90's, my BP was elevated and my heart rate was abnormal. They gave me a steroid shot and monitored me for a little while. You noticed I put the words "before yesterday." So, yes I had another attack yesterday. I had gotten worked up and couldn't get a grip on my breathing. I took my inhaler but it was too late. Since I'm not a pro at asthma attacks I began panicking. We ended up going to the ER.

When we got to the ER we had to wait to sign in. The nurses were looking at me and standing there. Some were actually working. I signed in and Joe told them I was having a panic attack instead of an asthma attack. They brought me on in to get my vitals. My BP was elevated, my heart rate was abnormal but my oxygen level was at 100% of course it was on 100% before they put the monitor on my finger and even after they took it off :/ so I don't know if their machine was messed up or what. Considering the rest of my visit it wouldn't surprise me if this was a standard number to "help" patients.

Anyways, a male "nurse" (I use that word loosely) and told me I needed to control my breathing. Ha! That was the reason I was there! Are you kidding me? He kept getting rude with me telling me to stop breathing so hard. Finally another nurse came in and told me to breath in a brown paper bag. She said to focus on the breathing. When she walked away the other nurse told me I was doing it wrong. The other nurse came back and told me not to listen to the man. She calmed me down and helped me focus on my breathing. She wanted to get an EKG because of my heart rate and because I was having chest pains.

To hurry to my point I got the test done and went out to the waiting room. As Joe and I was sitting in there we were so disgusted. This place was truly the nastiest place I had ever seen! There was trash all over the place. The walls were full of filth and the stench was almost unbearable. There were crumbs and liquids all over the floors. Now I'm the person that is usually disgusted by going into ER's because of the people and why they're there in the first place but never because I was afraid to sit in a chair.

As Joe and I are sitting down, another male nurse tells us that we might want to move because 2 chairs down someone had spilled some kind of liquid. His words to us were "y'all might wanna come sit over here. That spill is not something you want to have a part of. I'ma get somebody to clean that up." So this lady comes out with gloves and a towel. She throws the towel onto the ground and uses her shoes to clean up this spill. Then picks up the towel and heads back to the back where they're taking other people's vitals. ??? If this spill was so serious to the point of us having to move, why on earth did they not get a mop and bucket??

So we wait and we wait and we wait! I completely understand that this is an emergency room. Sadly, we witnessed someone lose a family member. I get the wait. I understand the wait. Yes it's annoying but it is what it is. They finally call back a large group. I believe there was about 5 of us. As we all walked like a heard of cows to the back she tells me to go into the first room. Then tells the second person to go into the first room. WHAT?! I have to share a room?!? Are you kidding me? I have sat out in this nasty place with screaming kids, having difficulty breathing, my chest (and now back) is killing me and now you're putting me in a room with another patient?

The doctor comes in. His "white" coat is more of a stained tan look. It must have been reddish/brown polka dots on it as well because I refuse to believe it was blood stains! I'm not trying to be rude or ugly as I describe this man to you but I want you to understand my thoughts...his clothes were about 2 sizes too big, wrinkled and un-tucked. I have never had a doctor like this before. This man had a very dirty appearance about him. He begins with the questions. The first? How are you? Ha! Why do they ask that? I mean come on! If I was good would I be here? OK then! Then he asks about my medical history. Now I have no idea about this but what is the patient confidentiality stuff all about? The paperwork I have to sign every time I see a doctor or my kids see a doctor? The ones that state they are not allowed to discuss medical history with or in front of anyone. (side explanation: One of my false alarms with Maggie, the nurse would not allow Joe to come in the same room with me because she said I could sue her for breaching my privacy and she wasn't putting herself in that position. This might have been the only time I've ever gotten rude with someone in the medical field. She said that the new HIPPA or HIPAA laws said that my medical history is mine and mine alone. ??? I don't know) I kept looking at Joe. The doctor looks at me and asks me why I'm worried? What I was afraid of. I told him I wasn't worried or afraid but uncomfortable discussing my history with other patients in the room. Speaking of other patients in the room...it was a woman with her little boy. Every other word out of her mouth was a cuss word. F this and BS that. She belittled the baby's father to the little boy. She made a scene with the nurses and cussed them. She even made the comment that she was sorry for being ghetto but she had **** things to do. Sorry, back to the story.

The doctor says he was sorry but there's nothing else he could do. So, what choice do I have? I've waited, I'm hurting and I need answers. I told him about my factor V Leiden and he (the doctor) asks me what that is. Huh? So, he calls for an x-ray. By this time, my breathing was normal again but my pain in my chest and back had increased pretty bad. The X-ray lady came in. Again, I had to share an x-ray room with ANOTHER patient. Oh forgot. On the way there, I'm wheeled past someone being guarded by a security guard who is telling them they cannot run into patients room because it was a a violation of the patients privacy. Ha! So I get into this room and have to change...where? There wasn't a place and I was in the room with another man. Uh, I don't think so. Again, feeling like I had no choice, I went into a back corner and well...whatever. I had to put my chin on the machine and again...the smell! The lady didn't bother to clean it. My chin had to go on to this thing that smelled like a dog that hasn't had a bath in years. And no, I'm not exaggerating.

To finish up this horrible night the doctor came in. You're fine! All your tests look good. I'm going to give you something to calm your nerves, something for your pain and more inhalers. Now I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I developed that after having the boys naturally. My pain was pain but I wasn't screaming about it. The doctor ended up giving me vicodin and a nerve pill. Something to ease my pain and something to calm my nerves. No explanation of what was going on, just some paper work and prescriptions. He gave me VICODIN! I am upset! Why? Because I didn't go in because of pain. I went in for breathing but after waiting 4 hours my breathing became normal. I get the nerve pill because I was panicking and needed to calm down but VICODIN? Yes my chest was hurting but could it have been due to the difficulty breathing? It just amazes me. I have seen and been to so many doctors that are quick to prescribe you a pain pill to "make you happy."

Needless to say I will never return to this particular hospital. I was literally more afraid of catching something from the wall, floors, toilets, toilet paper, water, soap, pens, chairs, etc. than I was from another patient. The doctor was terrible. I mean he was a nice man. But he never told me what was going on. He didn't even say, it could have been an anxiety attack or abnormal chest pain that wasn't heart related. He simply gave me prescriptions and sent me on my way. The smell of every room in the ER was terrible. So, to all my medical field friends, is this common? Is this what we should all expect from our ER's? Has anyone ever had an experience like this? What did you do? I want to make a complaint but because I hate confrontation, am weary of doing so.

The Princess turns 1!

It seems like just yesterday we were making our way to DeKalb Medical. It's definitely hard to believe that our sweet Maggie has been a physical part of our lives for over a year now. I still remember her first cry and how so special it was to have just our party of 5 enjoy a family moment with her until the others came in. What a special day that was.

Maggie is doing so many things these days. She crawls around everywhere. She's slowly gaining the courage to let go and just stand there. She loves to "walk" around holding on to at least one finger from someone else. Or she likes to walk from one person to another within a few feet from each other. I'm not sure the word walk is accurate considering she takes maybe 2 steps and lunges forward.

She loves people. She says "hey" to just about everyone she sees. I think she's going to be smart like her brothers. She learns so quickly. Just today I did the "shhhh" with my finger at my lips and she copied exactly what I did. She will hold up her first little finger as if saying "1" when you ask her how old she is. She can point to her eyes, nose and ears when asked and she knows who everyone is. We will ask her "where's Bryce or where's Ethan" and she looks right at them and points.

Its been so different having just one baby this time. There's so many things that keep coming back to me from when the boys were that little. I still cannot believe we did it with two at once.

So, we had Maggie's party. Her birthday (8/17) was on a Tuesday and we did it the following Saturday. We did bright pink, green, purple and yellow colors. There were balloons everywhere. An amazing woman from our church, that was also Maggie's first Sunday school teacher) made her birthday cake and smash cake. It might of been the most beautiful AND delicious cake ever (and I'm a picky cake person!) We had a full house of family (and friends but they're so awesome they're considered family!) We took a few pictures but we didn't get any picture of the guests. Go figure!

We also celebrated her birthday on her actual birthday. Joe took the day off and we went to La Parilla for lunch. Maggie had her first cheese quesadilla and she ate every bite! Then for dinner we went to Olive Garden and Maggie had her first fettuccine Alfredo and garlic bread, which she also loved. We bought her an over sized cupcake and let her dig into that. She liked the cupcake OK. I noticed at her party she was the same way with her cake. I don't think she cares too much for the icing. That will make her daddy happy. He doesn't like icing either. We just enjoyed that week of celebrating our little girl.

Maggie definitely completes our family. Unless God chooses otherwise, we are finished with our baby making factory.

Never be the same

This summer has been quite a busy one! The boys went on many trips with their Grandparents and Joe and I got to go on our first Missions trip to the Dominican Republic.

It's amazing to see how God works but I really love seeing it when it is happening. That's what happened with this Missions Trip.

A few months ago, our children's minister put on his facebook status that he was looking for people that wanted to go on a Missions Trip to the Dominican. Of course, I was very interested but Joe was skeptical. As time passed we still were undecided about going. During the week of VBS, our friend Patti came up and asked me if Joe and I were going on the trip. She said that her daughter was probably going to go and wanted us to make sure she would be OK. Not that she isn't capable of doing so (she's an extraordinary girl) but because she's 16 and going off to another country. Then the same day, our children's minister came to me and said the airlines dropped the ticket prices $200. So, we booked the trip.

We arrived in Santo Domingo. We had a local Pastor waiting for us to take us to our Taxi. We went to our hotel to check in and I think we all thought the hotel was OK, nothing to brag about. We went sight seeing and then back to the hotel. Joe and I were terrified to brush our teeth with the running water so we kept a bottle of water in the bathroom.

The next morning we headed about 2 hours north to camp. We were going to a VBS type Christian camp to help with about 400 children from ages 5-16. I was not expecting to live the way we did for the next few days. It was so hot and so humid. The room we were in had a portable fan and that was all the air we had. The running water was cold and more of a drip than running, and the thought of washing my hands made me nervous. There were bugs, spiders and lizards everywhere. The shower water would come and go as it needed. We had to keep Off bug spray on us 24/7. If you know me, you know that this is a far stretch for me. I'm not the outdoorsy type much less the camping type. The first day at camp was one of the longest days of my life. I didn't know how we were going to survive 4 days living this way. That is until after dinner that first night. A little girl came up to me and grabbed my hand. I looked down at this beautiful little girl (about the same size as my boys) and said "hola." She spoke hardly any English and I speak little Spanish but I was able to learn her name and that she is 7 years old. She followed me to our room where we met the rest of the people in our group (there was 6 of us!) The little girl (Marie) showed me so much. She trusted me. She didn't know me and she came up to me, took my hand and followed me. The first night went a little quicker than the day.

The next day, many of the children were coming to our group. Throughout our time there we led praise time, we led an entire worship time (with a translator of course), we presented cardboard testimonies translated in Spanish and we prayed with the older kids. We helped with crafts and played sports. We sat talking to the kids, teaching them English while they taught us Spanish. The time flew by. We had such a great time with the Dominican children and Joe and I had a great time with our new friends or family which we now call them.

This trip has forever changed me. I realized what a spoiled American I am. I have so much to be thankful for and all though I am, it wasn't enough. The people in the DR have so little material wise. Their houses are as big as a shed. For most, camp is the only time they even get to look at a pool. But they're happy. The love of Jesus is more than enough for them. They didn't complain they praised. That first day, we all complained and we didn't realize it until our attitudes had changed. I am so thankful God showed me how He blesses me each day. I have forever been changed. I've learned that material things are just that...material! Life is about relationships, especially with Jesus.