Grace Part IV

So August came and so did Maggie Grace. A perfect little girl that would complete our family. I decided that since I was unable to nurse the boys I would try nursing Maggie. That caused a lot of discomfort and tears.

I began feeling different. I was easily hurt. I had real fears of rejection and abandonment. My self esteem was basically non existent. I realized what was going on and just started focusing on the good things. A family of 5 that, according to doctors should have never been.

Life continued as normal but life with me was becoming more and more stressful. Maggie was already one and learning new things. I was excited but not the way I should have been. Not like I was with the boys. I was also experiencing something very new to me...jealousy.

I made an appointment with my doctor for a sick visit and while there I began telling him of my emotions. He gave me a test and it came back that I was on the verge of being severly depressed. I scored a 69 and 70 was the severely depressed stage. He gave me an antidepressent called Welbutrin. I came home in tears and told Joe. I prayed and decided I wasn't going to take the meds. Instead I would work on losing weight and getting healthy. For the next year I lost nearly 50 pounds. I was quite excited going shopping and fitting back into a size 2! It reminded me of my high school days of being super skinny and I was loving it. But I didn't feel like a 2. When I looked in the mirror I still saw this overweight girl that was ugly, unliked, unwanted, unloved, uninteresting, un everything.

We celebrated Maggie's 2nd birthday. I had reached the point of not caring. I never wanted to do anything. I wanted to stay at home, in my PJ's, in bed and not do anything! I dreaded everything. I would pick up my kids from school and would instantly get in a horrible mood. Joe would come home from work and I would instantly get in my mood.

To be perfectly honest with you, my marriage was struggling because something was going on with ME! I began giving those I loved the cold shoulder, I pushed people away. I had a friend tell me that she thought I was different and I shrugged her off, thinking it was just an excuse so she could leave me. After all, I was unwanted.