Monday, February 20, 2012

Grace Part V

On my way home from a friends house, I called Joe. It felt like we argued all the time. I would ALWAYS find something wrong. I could point out his flaws in the drop of a dime. I blamed him and accused him of some of the most hurtful things. Tonight's phone call was another argument. It was the argument that forever changed my life! Without going into too much detail, this argument might have been the pettiest argument in the history of arguments. It was also serious. The "D" word was tossed out but it was by me. My amazing husband threatened to stalk me for eternity. I told him I was going to my cousins house to clear my head. I wasn't thinking of anything or anyone. Not even myself.

Joe demanded that I come home. As I sat in a Wal-Mart parking lot, crying, lost and all alone I kept saying NO! I told him I was done with everything. I was tired of putting on a mask trying to pretend that I was happy. I couldn't tell him why I was unhappy, but I was extremely unhappy. It wasn't him. He was everything I ever wanted.

When I told him that I wanted to leave it was because I felt like he deserved better. And he did, but our vows were for better or worse and he constantly reminded me of that.

I cannot tell you why, but I started my car and drove home. I don't think I was the one steering the wheel that night. I truly believe it was Jesus Himself!

When I got home, Joe grabbed me and hugged me. I jerked away screaming and crying. I looked over at our stove where we keep our steak knives and grabbed a knife. I was ready to die. I WANTED to die! I wanted him to be happy and I kept thinking that he would be happier without me. The world would have been happier without me. I was causing pain everywhere I went. I was exhausted trying to pretend all the time.

After taking the knife away from me, Joe and I dropped to our knees and he began praying. He prayed without ceasing over and over again. My eyes were closed but I cannot honestly say I heard what he was praying.

We laid in bed that night and he held me in his arms and together we cried and we cried. I told him I felt lost and alone and all the other emotions. I told him that I knew God was there but I just couldn't feel Him. I needed to feel Him. I told Joe that I knew Satan had a grip on me and my life but I felt trapped.

The next day I called a couple of friends. One yelled at me, told me I was being stupid. She told me that she loved me and that I needed to see it. She and her husband told me that they were praying. I knew they were and what an instant comfort knowing I had a friend that was sweet enough to tell me what I needed to hear and not what I wanted to hear. Another friend comforted me. She too had struggeled with some of my feelings and told me what to do and who to call.

I made an appointment with a Christian female doctor and I told her everything. From my petty arguments with my husband to some of my past. I told her that I knew God was there but I just couldn't feel His presence. She comforted me and she diagnosed me. She said that I was going through a lack of hormone called progesterone. One of the side effects of lack of hormones is depression. She gave me an antidepressant called citalapram and I've been currently on it for almost three months.

I can say, I'm feeling like myself for the first time in a couple of years. I'm back to being the old Shellie. The one that didn't have to make myself be happy, I just wake up this way. The one that knows I am am loved and wanted. The one that feels the Lord's presence with me everywhere I go. My relationships have become so much greater than what they once were and life is wonderful. It's not perfect but it's just great.

I used to think that depression what a mind set. If you could tell yourself you were depressed then you were and if you could tell yourself that you aren't, then you're not. However, that is not the case. Depression is real! I know! I've been there and I guess one could say I still am. I will eventually get off my medicine and there's a part of me that is scared but I know with the help and love of my family and friends and the amazing Grace of my God, everything will be ok.

My husband is the greatest man I know. Having to put up with a crazy woman for so long and never giving up on me, even when I was ready to give up on myself. He deserves the best. I'm not always certain that I'm the best (I do still think he deserves even better) but he's stuck with me and I will strive to be everything He deserves. I want to be all that I can be to everyone around me. A better mother to my children, a better child to my parents, a better friend to my friends and most of all, a better follower of my Lord.

Grace...God's riches at Christ's expense. God sent His Son to die for ME!!! I surely want to live for HIM!


  1. Dearest Shellie (and Joe) The tears at the brink of my eyes are hot and ready to run their course. My heart aches for the both of you. I agree that Joe is awesome. It reflects from within every day, whether he is aware of it or not; but you are very special Shellie. Your close friends have probably said all that need be said, and you have most likely punished yourself more than enough, regardless of what I (we) might think. I think it is really hard to be a Mom, much less several times over. I have high praise for citalopram plus I take another medicine that serves double duty for me. Mental health is just as important as hearing and glasses which people often vote against for whatever reason.
    You can take it from me that 'suicide' or simply harming ourselves is a poor plan at it's very best. A friend once said, of a mutual acquaintance, how selfish so and so had been to take his own life because he failed and it threw his family into so many problems and dispair. I can't begin to imagine Joe's world without you and I hardly even know you. There are undoubtedly lots of friends/others you can seek if you want to talk things over, but just fyi, I am in the corner as a friend & fan of the Wilburn family. Joe is about the same age as my two sons and all went to JHS, but I developed a fast and heartfelt respect for Joe at the beginning of our relationship. It just isn't easy telling our spouse what hurts sometimes. I am rambling on, Shellie. I will seek to close. Please know that you ARE loved. As you said, God loves you, but so do I. My prayers & good thoughts are with you. In Christ's Love, marvin ham

  2. Hi Shellie- can't believe I'm just now discovering your blog! I am thankful for your honesty. Last month I also was feeling things that were crazy and didn't feel like me. I found out that my progesterone is way to high and my testosterone is too low and it was causing depression-like feelings. My doctor said it was a side-effect of all the fertility drugs I was on for about 6 months. Because of where we live I gave up on finding a drug treatment and tried my best to fight it naturally with an extreme change in diet and exercise. Although that has helped a LOT, it hasn't made it go completely away, so I'm going to check out the drug you mentioned. I used to think the same thing you did- but the mind is a delicate thing and when things are out of whack we can't just "mind over matter" it.